The Time Thief

(Knock Knock) I hear someone at the front door.  The front door of course being the door strangers come to, because anyone who has visited me before knows the front door is a bloody pain to open.  I reluctantly get the keys, for the dead bolt with the hesitation you feel as you are being approached by a persistent Jehovah’s Witness at 8 am on a Saturday morning; maybe I think to myself, as my stomach growls, maybe it's Girl Scout cookies.  I finally fumble through my pockets and find the house key and I examine the intruder a man in his middle fifties.  I open the door and the man informs me that he is one of my neighbors, which by the way when a neighbor you haven’t met show up at your door unannounced and you have lived in that home for longer than 2 weeks it is because they need a jump start for their car or they are selling something.  Of course as I predicted it was the latter.  Every four years it is an election year and like every other means of communication I am being forcefully distracted from the task at hand by someone wanting a few moments to “inform me” about their candidate for office.  I am not saying that politics are not an important topic worthy of my time but I am being bombarded like every other citizen of this fine nation with political campaign adds at every moment from my door step to my web browser.  The man a thief of my time begins to inform me of how he would love to take some of my time and talk about his candidate.  The only thing I could think of at the time was to say, “I don’t have time to talk to my own mother so no I’m sorry I don’t have time for you.”  I think what makes me mad about the whole thing is that people always say that time is money, well if that is the case then why do people think it is ok to drive slow in the fast lane, bother me with campaign ads, walk diagonal across a road (wasting my time so they can have a more direct route), and businesses still put you on hold for half an hour while you wait to speak with customer services.  I am tired of all whom waste my time thieves they are stealing my time away that could be spent on much more useful tasks like work, education, rants, and spending time socializing with people I like.  I propose that much in the likes of Robin Hood I should steal from the rich and give to the poor, the poor of time.  80 percent of people do only 20 percent of the work so I think that the 20 percent doing 80 percent of the work should be entitled to more time.  I haven’t yet devised a scheme to steal the time from the time wealthy for redistribution to the time poor.  I have grown tired of the unfair distribution of free time, I hear people speak of lazy Sundays, holidays, and watching of shows like Jersey Shore which is a clear indication of having a surplus of time which should be redistributed to those lacking sleep, over worked, and in great need of just a few measly hours to finish the weeks tasks. 

The redistribution of time will start on a voluntary basis.  All those time wealthy individuals are encouraged to stop by my home where they will receive their assignments.  The super wealthy “one percenters” will be expected to give the most since they have the most to give.  That means the unemployed lifelong welfare abusers and prisoners (which I only classify together based on time wealth) should come by and clean my house and provide me with laundry service.  A sliding time tax schedule will go from there.  If you work less than 30hrs per week you should be expected to wash my motorcycle and clean my guns.  If you work 40hrs or greater per week your expected contribution is only to cook one meal for me per week.  The last major tax bracket if reserved for those working 50 or greater hours, full time employees that are full time students, and those with full time jobs and kids… these people have far too little time as it is and shall be receive their redistributions upon successful passing of purposed legislation.

Vote Nelson Ballard as a write in 2012 election and I will make it my duty to see that your time is not squandered.  My platform will be simple and clearly stated.  Gun rights will not be infringed because gun control only regulates law abiding citizens.  So if you are a law abiding citizen and wish to prevent yourself from purchasing a firearm because you feel it is unsafe in your hands feel free to do so.  The only way to balance the budget is to offer less in the way of government programs but charge more in taxes.  I know no one wants to pay more and get less but lets quit talking about balancing the budget if we are unwilling as people to make sacrifices.  Medical insurance will be reformed to a point where medical insurance will only cover emergency medicine.  If citizens were forced to pay out of pocket for all non-emergency medicine then they would be more concerned about shopping for a better price and becoming informed consumers which would cause the cost of medical care to decrease.  Higher education will be provided by the government to those who are in the top 10 percent of their class in high school while all others will be forced to work their way through college or take out private loans.  If free tuition was offered to the students with the highest chances for success then we would be more competitive in free market.  Our government offers financial aid to all citizens who wish to go to college without making any effort to confirm these individuals have intentions of getting a job, having the ability to finish their degree, or choosing a degree that will benefit the country.  I am not say that we should live in a fascist dictatorship where the government makes all of our choices but i do think that if you want to study an obscure major like film studies then you should be required to take out private loans for that not government back loans.  With close to one trillion in education debt we need to start thinking about who we as a country can afford to send to college.  Not everyone can be a chief, we need to have plenty of Indians too.   

Nelson Mandella, no relation